Why Are You Learnin' It To Us?

Having taught my last class of my 34 year college/university teaching career, I thought some reflections on memorable moments might be interesting or, at least, mildly humorous.

Why Am I So Nervous?

I remember the first class I taught. It was September 4, 1980. I was teaching part-time at Niagara College Theatre Centre. I was contracted to teach stagecraft, lighting and drafting to first years. My first class was drafting and I was petrified. I was supposed to do a demonstration of the drafting tools but was too nervous to even hold the instruments without shaking. So I dropped that and improvised. Things went a lot better after I began a dialogue with the students. When I got home from teaching a mere three hour class that day, I felt like I had run a marathon. Every muscle in my body ached, as did my head. Like anything, you get better with practice.

Why Did I Get a Double D?

Speaking of teaching drafting, I remember one of my first classes of theatre drafting having a young lady decide she was going to see how she could get extra grades out of the young professor (I was 25 at the time) by leaning over her drafting board to display her ample chest in a low cut sweater and ask "Oh Sir? Could you check my project and see if I'm doing ok?". I said, "yes they are very nice, now put them away and finish your project".

Why You Learnin' It To Us?

While I"m on the drafting subject, I was doing a lecture in the drafting portable at NCTC one day and explaining how to create an ellipse as a geometric drawing. One of the students raised his hand and asked "Oh Sir? Is this going to be on the exam?". I said no, it wasn't on the exam, to which he replied "Well if it isn't on the exam, why are you learnin' it to us?"

Stump The Teacher

One of the earliest lessons I learned as an instructor was to never enter a classroom unprepared. This meant, never provide any information unless you fully understood it yourself. It doesn't matter if the particular subject or piece of information is so complex that a first year student would never be able to comprehend it. If you don't "own" the material, students can feel that vulnerability and go straight for the jugular. This is how I came to experience this lesson. I was doing a first year lecture on basic electricity. Electricity, like colour, is a subject that is voodoo for most first year students. I was expounding on how three phase generators work. Part of the explanation contains the facts that if you join two phases of a three phase power system to the neutral, you get 208v; hence 3phase 4 wire 208v system. However, the voltage potential between each of the individual hot lines and the neutral is 120v. 120+120=240 you'd think right? Well no, it is 208v. Of course, one of the students asked this... "why isn't it 240"? My answer was... it just is. There was a bit of snickering that the teacher didn't know the answer. You can be damned sure I never made that mistake again and memorized that useless piece of information; "two phases of a three phase generator are off phase to each other by 120 degrees (3 x 120 degrees = 360 degrees - the rotation and axes of the three coils rotating on the axel), therefore adding two phases together results in the total of the two phases times the sine of the angle the two coils are from each other or (SIN(120)) X  (120v+120v) = 207.8460969082652752232935609807v. Take that smart ass!

Carmina Burana? Isn't That a Latin Singer?

I also learned that what is old, trite, derivative, cliche, and/or maudlin to you, is fresh, innovative and a new discovery to a 20 year old student. When I had combined lighting, sound and movement projects, on student presented a five minute visual exercise of a woman being raped onstage to Carmina Burana "O Fortuna". Baaauuummmm Bah Bauumm Bauummm!!!! Baaauuuummmm Bah Bauumm Bauuummmmmm!!!!! OMG! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or throw up. It was horrible in its naivete, brutality and innocence. When I gave the young lady her evaluation, I commented that having a man rape a woman onstage to Carmina Burana might be considered a bit heavy handed and even accidentally laughable in its triteness. Well to say she was offended is an understatement. She unloaded on me that she was not surprised at my attitude as I was obviously a male sexist pig. I countered that her choice of music was very very well known and that perhaps something less recognizable might be better suited. She countered with "Well I have never heard of it before!!!" Obviously. I have to remark that that young woman came back to the university a few years later and apologized for her behaviour to me in my class. That doesn't happen often. She had obviously matured, looked back and been retroactively embarrassed. I think many of us have those moments.

You're A Pervert! No Offence!

Speaking of offended students, I had the misfortune of going through a lengthy grade appeal for a production grade once where the offended student felt she deserved an A when she only received a B-. This process went on at length to the point there were other Chairs, Deans, Student Association reps and Faculty Association reps in the hearings. I began to look at my watch, look around the table and start to calculate the amount of money being wasted on this stupidity. It was obvious to everyone the kid didn't have a case. She soon realized she didn't have a case so at the last moment, she began to throw out accusations at me across the table. "He's always getting my name wrong, he even spells it wrong! And he's also looking at me in ways that make me feel uncomfortable! I mean, he's picking on me specifically because I'm female!!" This went on and on until the chair of the hearing put an end to it and dismissed the case. After filing out of the meeting room, the student caught up with me in the hall and said "I hope you don't take any of this personally. And I hope I can use you as a reference?" I told her I never wanted to speak to her again.

It's From Richard III... You Heard Of It?

Speaking of lunatics, theatre programs tend to attract a more unusual type of person. Perhaps it is the circus mentality of the theatre - we take all kinds. Robert Preston in Victor/Victoria "Oh thank you. You're most kind! In fact, you're every kind!" but I digress. As Chair, I presided over the intake into the performance and technical programs for a decade. During that time, I met my lifetime share of lunatics, weirdos, oddballs, seriously strange and unusual. Yes.. that would be auditions. My favourite audition moments:

1. Don't Stare A My Fake Boobs!

This wasn't an audition, but an interview for the tech program. Our department Secretary, Sandi, even though she's done 19 years in the theatre area, has never got used to the oddballs that come through the door. However, this particular day was over the top. Sandi came into my office and closed the door with her hand over her mouth. "You'll never ever guess what is waiting for you out there!" she said. "There is a guy in drag wanting to apply to the program!!". I said "Send him/her in please". In walks a guy, obviously a guy, in full drag. Now, it helped that it was "gender bender" day at the university. However, I figured out pretty quickly that this guy was in drag to elicit a response from me. I was being tested and cornered. If I reacted to him being in drag, I'd be labelled intolerant. If I didn't accept him into the program, he could use his being in drag as the unacceptable and intolerant reason. I was determined not to even notice the dress, the wig, the nylons, the lipstick and the 2" eyelashes. (Aside: in my mind I was hearing James Coco in Murder by Death; "Let's face it, as a man you are barely passable, but as a woman... you ... are... a .... DOG!") but I digress.

I interviewed the individual normally. It was clear he wanted to study costume design, NOT costume construction and we did not teach costume design. I indicated this along with the fact that he could not just take costumes, he would have to take all the tech subjects. He did not seem interested in the other subjects. I turned down his application and the inevitable happened... I was an intolerant, homophobic, ignorant pig. It didn't matter, he still didn't get into the program.

2. Jerry Does Shakespeare! 

Jerry was a middle aged man who auditioned for the performance program. The requirements are to perform a contemporary monologue, a classical monologue and sing a song a capella.  Jerry stood on the stage and addressed the committee entirely in the third person.

Jerry: OK! Hi! Jerry is here to audition!
Us: Great. What would you like to do first?
Jerry: Jerry would like to give you his record. Jerry sings and plays guitar! (Jerry hands the committee 45rpm records labelled "Jerry Sings".
Us: Oh that's great Jerry thanks! But we will need to hear you sing.
Jerry: That's great 'cause Jerry sings!
Us: Wonderful. What would you like to do now? Your monologue?
Jerry: Sure. Jerry can do that! The classical?
Us: Sure. What do you have?
Jerry: Jerry does Shakespeare!! Hamlet! To Be or Not To Be!
Us: Great. Take your time.
Jerry: Ok... here goes... Jerry does Shakespeare! Ok... (claps hands together) Ok... here it is. Jerry does Shakespeare. Ok... Ummm... ahh..... lets see now.... Ummm.... yeah... uhhh To be.. or not..... to be... that is the question. Ummm.... whether it is noble in the heart... umm... wait.. can Jerry start again?
Us: Sure. Take your time.
Jerry: Ok... (claps hands together and pumps himself up with many deep breaths) Ok... to be or not to be that is the question whether it is noble in the mind umm..... oh.... shit..... Jerry knows this.... shit.... ok ok ok... I got it...
Us: Perhaps you could move on to your contemporary?
Jerry: Jerry doesn't have a contemporary.

Jerry harassed poor Sandi for a week wanting to know if he succeeded in getting into the program. When he finally found out he had not been successful, he went on the warpath trying to see every official in the institution and complain that we were prejudiced against old people.

3. Move It.

It was clear this guy was in a group of guys daring each other to audition. This dude was first.

Us: Ok what are you going to do for us today?
Dude: Do?
Us: Yes. What pieces do you have?
Dude: Pieces?
Us: Yes. You need a contemporary monologue, a classical monologue and a song.
Dude: Oh. Uh... I'll do the contemporary.
Us: Ok. Fine. Take your time.
Dude: Umm... ok.... ok... ok. Umm.. ok.
Us: You ok?
Dude: Umm.. I don't have a contemporary piece.
Us: What about a classical then?
Dude: I don't have a classical piece.
Us. What about a song.
Dude: Yeah. I got a song.
Us: Ok do that then!
Dude: Ok... uhh... ok.... you ready?
Us: I assure you we are ready.
Dude: Ok... uhh.... (slight "robot dance" moves to the right and left)... I said.... move it, move it, move it.... I saaaaid... mooove it.. mooove it... moove it... (pause) .... I said ... (pause) Move it move it move it... I said... Move it move it move it... I sssaa
<< aside: how do you get the lyrics to "I Like to Move It" wrong??? >>

Us: Is that it?
Dude: Yeah that's it.
Us: Thank you.

4. The Vagina Manologue

It was obvious that this guy was put up to the audition by his girlfriend. Or, he wanted to audition, had no clue, and his girlfriend was playing a prank on him. Nevertheless, it made for a memorable audition moment.

Us: Hi. What is your name and what do you plan to do for us today?
Phil: Hi my name is Phil and I'm a bit nervous.
Us: That's ok Phil, just relax. What do you have planned for us?
Phil: My girlfriend gave me this monologue. It is called the Vagina Monologue.
Us: Umm... excuse me?
Phil: Yeah. The Vagina Monologue
Us: Ooookay.... go for it.
Phil: (prepares himself very thoughtfully getting into the moment... then raises his arms over his head and slams them down, karate chop style, into his upper thighs forming a V on them and framing his crotch)
OH MAN!!! I LOVE MY VAGINA! I tell you I LOVE it (hits his thighs over and over with karate chops and starts to free-style riff on the many ways he loves his vagina)

At this point, our female colleague on the panel, stops him and says "You don't know what the hell you're doing do you"? Phil admitted that he didn't know the text at all but his girlfriend told him just to make stuff up. I'm not making this up!

The Worst Teacher Ever

This was better than getting a teaching award (I don't give enough A's or hand out candy and cupcakes often enough for a teaching award). At the beginning of a Fall semester, I was delivering my a class in introductory lighting. It was the second week of the semester and the class consisted of a lecture on stage lighting fixtures, their function and operation, followed by a lab consisting of a demonstration and then a directed hands-on practice by the students with the equipment. A young lady who had missed the first class of the semester and the morning lecture, attended the lab demonstration/practical.

The demonstration was on the Wright Theatre stage where I showed the main categories of lighting fixtures, their parts and function and some hanging and focussing techniques. During the demonstration, the young lady lay on the stage and slept. After the demo, I organized the students into pairs and had them complete the hanging and focussing of a stage light following the techniques I had just demonstrated. The young lady in question, not surprisingly, totally sucked at the entire practical portion of the lab. I assess lab performance using a grading scheme of 0 - 4 where:

0 = absent

1 = late, no participation, lack of proper tools or appropriate clothing, unsafe

2 = present, basic ability

3 = good participation, above average skills and abilities

4 = excellent participation, exceptional skills and abilities

I gave the student in question a grade of 1 for the lab. When she found the grade she had received, she stormed into my office (keep in mind I am the Department Chair). She demanded to know why she received a failing grade in the lab. I told her she slept through the demo and could not complete one of the tasks in the practical. Here is the resulting conversation:

Student: But other students in the class are good at that stuff.
Me: Yes they are.
Student: And they got a better grade than me!
Me. Yes. Because they are better at it than you.
Student: But that's not fair that they get better grades just because they are good at it!
Me: What can I say? That's life for you.
Student: (streaming mad) YOU... are... without a doubt, the WORST teacher I have EVER HAD!
Me: Well that's a coincidence because you are, without a doubt, the worst student I have ever had!
Student: I'm quitting this program!!
Me: Excellent. I'll prepare the forms for your signature.
Student: I have applied to the Theatre Program at the University of Victoria!!
Me: Oh wonderful! And which of my friends at UVIC should I contact about you?
Student: (open mouthed stare)

You can't make this shit up!

A Series of Lasts

Usually in these design blogs I outline my design processes and post photos of show progress. I have been using these blogs as a way to document my design work both for myself and for my annual faculty report required of all MRU faculty.

The Winter's Tale

I started blogging details about my designs because of the nature of the faculty reporting system here at MRU. The system has faculty list their work and accomplishments. Somehow "designed set and lights for Twelve Angry Men" doesn't encompass the scope of the activity. It is one item on a list and one could say "Okay, you've built a bridge. And what else did you do?". So these blogs try to bridge that gap between the amount of work involved in designing a production and people's perception that things just magically appear.

Set and Lights going together for "The Winter's Tale"

As I work through the last couple of months and couple of shows of my theatre and teaching career, I am experiencing a series of lasts and my reaction to those lasts. "The Winter's Tale", a coproduction with The Shakespeare Company, is the second last production of Theatre MRU and the last production in which I will be involved in the Nickle Theatre. I was part of the design and construction of this Theatre back in 1992. So working on the last production is poignant. Or should be. I'm finding there is a good deal of "it doesn't matter, we won't need this again" going on.  From "drill a hole in it, we won't need that production table again", to chopping up stock size platforms to fit our needs for a production because it will never go into stock again.

I'm also getting quite a few queries about what we are doing with our "stuff" when we're gone. I had experienced this kind of attitude once before when the Niagara College Theatre Program was axed in 1989. It is fascinating how people can have no qualms about picking over your dead body before you are actually cold. I'm reminded of the line from that wonderful awful film "Ishtar":  Warren Beatty crawling through a sand desert speaking to a vulture "What? Are you crazy? I'M still moving'!"

Haysam Kadri gets all jealous as Leontes in "The Winter's Tale"

So we have a season of lasts this year. Last play in the Nickle Theatre. Last time for the rock 'n roll lighting projects. Last reading break! Last time in the Wright Theatre. With all these lasts, some of the lasts are actually a relief;  last time I get a request for student technicians to come and put up decorations in a community centre hall for a Hallowe'en party - the students will do it for the experience! Last time a colleague tells me that I'm good at the theatre "design stuff" and I should consider doing it as a living!

Theatre MRU / The Shakespeare Co. Co-production of "The Winter's Tale"

It feels at times like I've come full circle. I started working in amateur theatre. Garden City Productions and Press Theatre in St. Catharines Ontario were the amateur theatres where I started working theatre lighting. I remember at the time thinking it was odd that everyone switch roles for each production. "Ok Fred, you designed the scenery for the last musical, what say you Stage Manage the next one and I'll do the set design? Great! Wonderful, I'm excited! ... Just one question... what does a Stage Manager do?"

I decided then, it was the professional theatre I wanted. After working and designing professionally for a number of years, I went back to GCP to design one of their musicals thinking it might be fun. Not! The set designer didn't think it important to draw floor plans to scale or make a model. Various pieces of scenery would be scattered about randomly with no spike marks so it was impossible to figure out how to light the scene from moment to moment. Finally, on dress rehearsal night, the main curtain closed on one scene, there was a lot of banging and muffled but excited talking behind the curtain, then the curtain opened, the lights came up on an empty scene, and a stage hand in overalls trod onstage shielding her eyes from the light and yelled out "What scene is this supposed to be?" Yes they are funny stories in retrospect, but in the moment it is extremely stressful.

The full circle is, that here, 30 years later, there are still too many moments like that - especially in "professional theatre". During a particularly awful production at Stage West, the Technical Director was hovering behind the Director who was furiously writing notes during a tech run. He leaned forward, whispered in the Director's ear "polishing the turd, polishing the turd". Oh my god that is funny! And soooo true!

There are so many horribly ignorant comments and notes received from over the years it is impossible to list them all but I will try:

• The scene is way too bright but I can't see the actors face - could you do something about that?
• Designer during early design discussions "How do you see this scene in Hamlet?" Director: "Oh I don't know, you're the designer, whatever you think best." Director during light levels "What the f**k is this? It is supposed to be cold and rainy and dark and dreary!"
• "Doug!! DOUG!!!! It is still too dark up here! This is a comedy you know! Not a fucking Pinter play!"
• "Why is the light up on the upper platform during this scene?" "Umm... because you asked for it?" "Don't give me what I asked for give me what I need!!!"
• Costume Designer to the Director "Do we have a budget for lighting design?" Director "yes". Costume Designer: "Well if we have budget for a real designer, why are we using Doug?"
• I'll know when I see it
• Now that I see the costumes on the actors, I can't see their faces.
• What are those lights up there for (pointing). Can't we use some of those?
• What colour gel are you using? "Rosculux 02 and 60". "Oh.... um... is that Cinemoid?"
• What is that sound level at? "-8db" "Well bring it to -16db it is too soft!"
• Can't we just fly something in from the ceiling? There is no fly system. You are always causing me problems.
• Props can't get the mechanical bat to work. Can we do it with lights?
• LX Designer to Set Designer "That bobbinette drop will not function like a scrim." Set Designer "Oh yes.. you just have to light it from the front." LX Designer "I know how to light a scrim, this is not a scrim!" Don't worry it will be fine when I paint the bobbinette drop. Later.... Set Designer "OMG we can see the WHOLE SET CHANGE! there's something wrong with the lights!"
• Another department in the university: "Can we use the theatre next Friday for an event?" Us: "You will need a technician to handle your tech requirements".. Them "We don't need any technical support". Later... "OMG where is the screen, I need a microphone and podium, do you have a projector? I need a special light on the podium to go up at the same time that the houselights go down and then when the speaker says "On slide one" we need the projector screen to show the powerpoint. Do you have a laptop? Can the speaker have a microphone on his lapel so he can walk around... wireless would be great. Oh btw, we are having food brought in for the audience to have a little reception with drinks on the stage after the talk. I hope that's ok?"
• Is that the only grand piano you have?
• Director: We need the followspot on the him for the song. (Spot on Singer) Ummm what is that huge shadow on the wall of the set? Designer: "That would be the shadow of the singer in the followspot". Director: "Well get rid of it!"

Edit: As I'm writing this blog I just received an email that illustrates the kind of questions we get asked almost every week (I'm paraphrasing and deleting names to protect the ignorant):

"Hi. My name is XXXXX and I am the Chair of the Senior 50+ Entertainment Committee for our community centre. I'm wondering if you can help us. We are wanting to put on a theatre show at our community centre. We need help with two things; 1) A Play and 2) A Director. We have looked around the internet for a comedy / comedy - murder mystery that is about 45 minutes but most things we can find require a fee and a royalty to be paid. We don't have a great deal of budget but we can pay for a director to help us. Many of our members are very excited and already signing up for auditions. Would you have a student that might be interested in "getting their feet wet" with an activity like this?"

The Walking Dead

Dracula 2014

Last production. My first production when I started teaching post-secondary was Dracula in 1980. It was a horrible horrible awful lousy stressful boring sloppy mess. Thirty-four years later, Dracula 2014 is a wonderful, well-acted, beautifully directed and wonderful piece of theatre. It is a lovely way to end my teaching and theatre career. Almost nobody saw it; which is typical for Theatre MRU. However, there was some great work and terrific learning happening here. 

Sunrise on Dracula, Sunset on Theatre MRU

So long and thanks for all the fish!

The show is now closed and the scenery, props, costumes and lights struck, and the stage repainted to remove all traces of our being there. Crews are painting over the class murals in the shops.

I teach my last class Thursday April 10. Thus ends a 34 year teaching and a 40 year theatre career. The good news; I interview this afternoon for my new career!

More good news! I've been working at Long & McQuade Calgary South store since May 5! It is wonderful. Goodbye Mount Royal University!